The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
hug her mother, saying,
‘Oh mum! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!’
A man went to church one day and afterward
he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand.
He said, ‘Vicar, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!’
The Vicar said, ‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’
The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!’
The Vicar said, ‘No shit?’
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
‘Gee, Mum,’ he exclaimed. ‘For me?’
‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied. ‘The rest are for your father.’
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their
20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if
she had anything to say in her defence.
‘Your Honour,’ she began coolly, ‘I figured that at 92, if he could screw,
he could fly.’
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Hervey Bay .
‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most
of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode
your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets
can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused
by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is
the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief
and suffering for years after eating it?’
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Boat
club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old
blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her
youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and
listens intently to his every word. His mates at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get
the trophy girlfriend?’
Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. So, how’d you persuade
her to marry you?’
‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies.
‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’
Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’
A group of Victorians were travelling by tour bus through Hervey Bay.
As they stopped at the Dairy C0-OP, a young guide led them through
the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
‘These’ she explained, ‘Are the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce’
She then asked, ‘What do you do in Victoria with your old goats?’
A spry old gentleman answered, ‘They send us on bus tours!